Q - How do you confuse a bassist?

A - Put one of his strings out of tune, but don't tell him which one!

Q - How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

A - None, They let the keyboard player do it with his left hand

Q -  What's the difference between a Bassist and a rhino that's just eaten a tin of baked beans?

A -  One's a huge useless thing that makes a deep farting noise and the other is a rhino.

Q - Why did the drummer join the band?

A - He wanted to hang out with musicians.

Q - What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?

A - Drool.

Q - Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?

A - So you don't have to retrain the drummers.

Q - How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door?

A - The knock always slows down.

Q - How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando?

A - Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady 120 bpm.

Q -  What do drummers use for birth control?

A -  Their personalities

• A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument. After some thought, he decides on the accordion. So he goes to the music store and says to the owner, "I'd like to look at the accordions, please."

The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says "All our accordions are over there." After browsing, the drummer says, "I think I'd like the big red one in the corner." The store owner looks at him and says, "You're a drummer, aren't you?"

The drummer, crestfallen, says, "How did you know?" The store owner says, "That `big red accordion' is the Radiator

WHY GUITARS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN

• Guitars don't get pregnant.
• You can play your Guitar any time of the month.
• Guitars don't have parents.
• Guitars don't whine... unless you want them to.
• You can share your Guitar with your friends.
• Guitars don't care how many other Guitars you've played
• Guitars don't care how many other Guitars you have.
• Guitars don't care if you look at other Guitars.
• Guitars don't care if you buy Guitar magazines.
• You'll never hear, "Surprise, you are going to proud father of a new Guitar" unless you go out to buy one yourself.
• If your Guitar is flat you can fix it.
• Your Guitar doesn't care if you never listen to it.
• Your Guitar won't care if you leave up the toilet seat.
• You don't have to be jealous of the guy who works on your Guitar.
• If you say bad things to your Guitar, you don't have to apologize before you play it again.
• You can play your Guitar as long as you want and it won't get sore.
• You can stop playing your Guitar as soon as you want and it won't get frustrated.
• Your parents won't remain in touch with your old Guitar after you dump it.
• Guitars don't get headaches.
• Guitars don't insult you if you're a bad player.
• Your Guitar never wants a night out with the other Guitars.
• Guitars don't care if you're late.
• You don't have to take a shower before you play your Guitar.
• If your Guitar doesn't look good you can refinish it or get new parts.
• You can play your Guitar the first time you meet it, without having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother.
• The only protection you have to wear when playing your Guitar is a decent thumb pick.
• When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great time you had the last time you played your Guitar.

and last, but not least

• If you decide to part with an old Guitar, you don't have to give up half of everything you own.

WHY GUITARS ARE BETTER THAN MEN

• Guitars don't work late.
• Your Guitar stays as clean as you want it to.
• Guitars don't have parents or kids.
• Guitars don't get sick.
• Guitars don't get overweight, unless you like the Jumbo style.
• If you say bad things to your Guitar, you don't have to apologize before you play it again.
• Your Guitar always has time for you.
• Guitars don't watch TV.
• Guitars never need a shave, nor do they have hair on their backs.
• Guitars don't snore.
• Guitars don't leave a mess in the kitchen or bathroom.
• If you don't like the length of your Guitar's appendage you can get a new one.
• You can try out as many Guitars as you like before you get your own.
• You don't have to feed your Guitar.
• Guitars never argue, you are always right.
• Guitars never wake you up in the middle of the night, for any reason.
• Guitars never try to show you off to their friends.
• Guitars don't come home drunk after a night out with the other Guitars.
• Guitars don't sneak around with other Guitars.
• Guitars don't care what you look like or what your age is.
• Guitars don't care and don't comment about what you spend your money on.
• Guitars don't care if you have to work late.
• When you're playing, your Guitar doesn't care if other Guitars are bigger or better.
• Guitars don't care about their performance.
• Guitars don't get you pregnant.
• Guitars don't have mothers.
• When you've finished playing, you can put it away.
• You don't have to praise a Guitar after playing it.
• Guitars don't sulk.
• Guitars don't bore you.
• Guitars don't abandon you at gatherings for more interesting players.
• Guitars don't have to prove anything.
• Guitars don't try to change you once you've bought them.
• Guitars don't get jealous of your male colleagues.
• Guitars never interrogate you.
• Second-hand Guitars don't brag about previous owners.
• Second-hand Guitars don't go to see previous owners when you're out of town.
• You don't have to explain to a Guitar if you don't feel like playing tonight.
• Guitars never put you down, yet you can put them down whenever you wish.
• Guitars don't complain if you wear "sensible" clothes.
• Guitars don't have egos.
• Guitars don't need remote control units.
• When you're lost you don't have to argue with your Guitar about stopping to ask the band for directions.
• When your Guitar is being played too slow, you can speed up.
• When you need someone to play with, your Guitar is happy to accomodate.
• You buy the tools your Guitar needs; it doesn't buy tools that never get used.
• You don't have to continually assure your Guitar that its string length is just right.
• You determine the length and frequency of playing, and you're always in control.
• Your Guitar never finishes before you do.
• Your Guitar doesn't complain about your going out to dinner with your women friends rather than staying at home with it.
• You never get helpful suggestions from your Guitar's mother.
• Your Guitars will allow you to play it even on Super Bowl Sunday.
• Your Guitar never complains if you put on a few pounds.
• When your Guitar is dysfunctional you know how to get it fixed (and knowthat it can be fixed).
• Your Guitar will never earn more than you do for the same job just because it's a Guitar.
• Your Guitar never spends a "night out with the Guitars" and comes home with a strange rash on its fretboard.

and last, but not least:

• Your Guitar will never turn into a beer bellied blob of wood and metal on the couch in front of the TV.